“Be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way” -Psychologist Peter Salovey and John Meyer
Such self-control is called Emotional Intelligence (EQ or EI). It can be defined as the ability to understand, manage, and effectively express one's own feelings, as well as engage and navigate successfully with those of others. Being emotionally intelligent means accepting that emotions are an essential part of who we are and how we survive. Thus, being emotionally skilled can make us more flexible, adaptable and emotionally mature.
The consequences of poor emotional skills can be high. The consequences range from problems in physical health, difficulties in marriage and poor parenting. A lack of emotional intelligence can ruin careers and impair achievement. Children and teenagers who have poor emotional skills can contribute to depression, eating disorders, unwanted pregnancy, aggression and poor academic performance. Thus, in many life circumstances emotional intelligence is as important as IQ
Decades of research now point to emotional intelligence as being the critical factor which sets star performers apart from the rest of the pack. The connection is so strong that 90 percent of top performers also have high emotional intelligence.
Behaviours which one should be aware of include the following:
1. You get stressed easily
When one ignores their feelings, they quickly build into the uncomfortable sensations of tension, stress and anxiety. Unaddressed emotions strain the mind and body. Your emotional intelligence skills help you manage stress better by enabling you to spot and work tough situations before things escalate.
People who fail to use their emotional intelligence skills are more likely to turn to other, less effective means of managing their mood. They are twice as likely to experience anxiety, depression, substance abuse and even thoughts of suicide.
2. You have difficulty asserting yourself
People with high EQs balance good manners, empathy and kindness with the ability to assert themselves and establish boundaries. This tactful combination is ideal for handling conflict. When most people are crossed, they default to passive or aggressive behaviour. Emotionally intelligent people remain balanced and assertive by steering themselves away from unfiltered emotional reactions. This enables them to neutralise difficult and toxic people without creating enemies.
3. You have a limited emotional vocabulary
All people experience emotions, but it is a select few who can accurately identify them as they occur. Research shows that only 36% of people can do this, which is problematic because unlabeled emotions often go misunderstood, which leads to irrational choices and
counterproductive actions. People with high EQ’s master their emotions because they understand them, and they use an extensive vocabulary of feelings to do so. While many people might describe themselves as simply feeling “bad,” emotionally intelligent people can pinpoint whether they feel “irritable,” “frustrated,” or “anxious.” The more specific your word choice, the better insight you have into exactly how you are feeling, what caused it and what you should do about it.
4. You make assumptions quickly and defend them vehemently
People who lack EQ form an opinion quickly and then succumb to confirmation bias, meaning they gather evidence that supports their opinion and ignore any evidence to the contrary. More often than not, they argue, to support it. This is especially dangerous for leaders, as their under-thought-out ideas become the entire team’s strategy. Emotionally intelligent people let their thoughts marinate, because they know that initial reactions are driven by emotions. They give their thoughts time to develop and consider the possible consequences and counter-arguments. Then, they communicate their developed idea in the most effective way possible, taking into account the needs and opinions of their audience.
5. You hold grudges
The negative emotions that come with holding on to a grudge are actually a stress response. Just thinking about the event sends your body into fight-or-flight mode, a survival mechanism that forces you to stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat. When a threat is imminent, this reaction is essential to your survival, but when a threat is ancient history, holding on to that stress wreaks havoc on your body and can have devastating health consequences over time. In fact, researchers at Emory University have shown that holding on to stress contributes to high blood pressure and heart disease. Holding on to a grudge means you’re holding on to stress, and emotionally intelligent people know to avoid this at all costs. Letting go of a grudge not only makes you feel better now but can also improve your health.
6. You don’t let go of mistakes
Emotionally intelligent people distance themselves from their mistakes, but they do so without forgetting them. By keeping their mistakes at a safe distance, yet still handy enough to refer to, they are able to adapt and adjust for future success. It takes refined self-awareness to walk this tightrope between dwelling and remembering. Dwelling too long on your mistakes makes one anxious, while forgetting about them completely makes you bound to repeat them. The key to balance lies in one’s ability to transform failures into bits of improvement. This creates the tendency to get right back up every time you fall down.
7. You often feel misunderstood
When one lacks emotional intelligence, it’s hard to understand how one comes across to others. One feels misunderstood because one struggles to deliver messages in a way that people can understand. Even with practice, emotionally intelligent people know that they don’t communicate every idea perfectly. They catch on when people don’t understand what they are saying, adjust their approach and re-communicate their idea in a way that can be understood.
8. You don’t know your triggers
Everyone has triggers - situations and people that push their buttons and cause them to act impulsively. Emotionally intelligent people study their triggers and use this knowledge to sidestep situations and people before they get the best of them.
9. You don’t get angry
Emotional intelligence is not about being nice; it’s about managing your emotions to achieve the best possible outcomes. Sometimes this means showing people that you’re upset, sad or frustrated. Constantly masking your emotions with happiness and positivity isn’t genuine or productive. Emotionally intelligent people employ negative and positive emotions intentionally in the appropriate situations.
10. You blame other people for how they make you feel
Emotions come from within. It’s tempting to attribute how you feel to the actions of others, but you must take responsibility for your emotions. No one can make you feel anything that you don’t want to. Thinking otherwise only holds you back.
11. You’re easily offended
If you have a firm grasp of who you are, it’s difficult for someone to say or do something that gets your goat. Emotionally intelligent people are self-confident and open-minded, which create a pretty thick skin. You may even make fun of yourself or let other people make jokes about you because you are able to mentally draw the line between humor and degradation.
Unlike your IQ, your EQ is highly malleable. As you train your brain by repeatedly practicing new emotionally intelligent behaviours, it builds the pathways needed to turn them into habits. As your brain reinforces the use of these new behaviours, the connections supporting old, destructive behaviours fall away. Before long, you begin responding to your surroundings with emotional intelligence without even having to think about it.
Andrea Kellerman, (B.A., H.E.D., B.A. Hons. Psych., M.Ed Psych., Dipl.Adv.Hyp., ISNR registered Neurofeedback Practitioner. (Prac. No. PS0115207 and SAMHF 791953). For further information please go to our website www.eq-advantedge.co.za
